I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Just puked most of my soul out..
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