I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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