I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Randomize
