i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
