That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
