She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I just want to make out with him forever
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
