ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
