i love accidental penises.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Send help, water and tortillas.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
