he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
