I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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