Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Randomize
