Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
