Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
