Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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