Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
