Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
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