the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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