My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
