Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
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