I faked an abortion last night.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
