But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
