What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Randomize
