I faked an abortion last night.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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