fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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