So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
He has the fingertips of a God
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