yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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