wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
