I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
she pinky promised me she was 18
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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