Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
third nipple confirmed
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
