I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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