if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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