Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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