Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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