How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
he shaved USA in his pubs
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Randomize
