you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
