so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
