I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
