Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
