Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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