my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
