life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
