Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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