I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
My hand turned me down
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
