i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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