You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
