well most of my day revolves around power hour
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
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