and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
