I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
