You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
