jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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