Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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