When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
