Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
