I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
