I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Randomize