This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
