All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
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