i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I currently don't understand fingers.
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