i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Randomize
