It's like God shit irony all over that family
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
