I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
