He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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