Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
