Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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